Last week I encouraged you to make the month of February a month of love, a month of deliberate and determined love making.  I am interested to know how many have taken up the cause this month.  This week we move on to something less romantic but still connected to what we do with our bodies to communicate our love and devotion to each other.

2.  Choose to bravely move towards each other during a conflict.  John Gottman, one of the leading researchers in relationships, describes this one distinction between couples that last and couples who  fail.

Gottman performs a brief interview with couples and when controversy or conflict arises the decision to move closer together, either emotionally or physically, is an enormous determining factor in their longevity.

It takes real bravery and self confidence not to retract defensively when you feel conflict rising.  It’s time to be that brave.  Remember that this person who you are retracting from is the most important person in your life.  You share love, intimacies and a beautiful future with the person you are retreating from, so stop.  Bravely stay put, even move closer.  Infuse your words and  your facial expressions with warmth and confidence rather than fear, anger or defensiveness.

Gottman offers the four levels of relational breakdown

1. Criticism:  "You never…”  You always…” all those accusational phrases we use when we are being critical, they all tear down the adhesive that holds us together.

2. Contempt:  This is expressed through name calling or harsh humor.  Many couples and families have made this the norm rather than the dangerous symptom of a doomed relationship.

3.  Defensiveness: This action begins with the posture of the victim and  the perception that you must ward off an attack.

4.  Stonewalling:  When you have reached this level the end is near. This level sees a couple withdrawing from the relationship altogether.  The ultimate surrender of separation and divorce are right around the corner when this posture is the norm.

If you have found yourself implementing any of this tools in your relationship then you need to take action.  Your relationship requires more deliberate attention than your have been giving it.  If you see yourself following in any of these footsteps then make an investment in your relationship and join us at Step Into Your Power for our Relationship Course for Couples.  It begins in March and lasts for 6 weeks.

The antidote for these four dangerous symptoms of relational breakdown are simple and to the point.  Let me share a couple with you.

1.  Learn to make specific complaints and observations.  Never and Always are consistently inaccurate.

2.  Learn to listen actively and generously.  Listen for what your partner really wants, not just what came out of their mouth.

3.  Shift to appreciation, define what you are grateful more than searching for what you are dissatisfied with.

4.  Take responsibility.  When your problem is owned it is half solved.  But it is always the first and most important half.

So are you ready to make your relationship a great one?  Are you ready to enjoy the love in your life as well as the love of your life?  Do you deserve all this and more?  Yes you do!